Introducing: Misery Marches
Announcing our first Misery March
This Summer I will be leading the first “Misery March” in the Greater Toronto/Ontario area (TBA). Join the Anarchonomicon Discord Server.
Toronto, for those of you who have never been, is one of the most gorgeous, walkable, safe, pleasant dense urban cities in the World and North America in particular. The old “City of Toronto” or “Old Toronto”, is an amazing old Victorian grid city comprised of almost a hundred villages, town and neighborhoods, that all slowly merged together but all kept their individual quirks… One is even technically an independent republic of 200 people, that the federal government accidentally recognized its independence when their meme-protest became a feel good story 50 years ago (they still pay taxes).
The whole old city, is 16 miles wide and is sort-of a blend of New York and London… but without the Knife, Gun, or “youth” crime. And many lovely hiking trails that wind throughout the city’s hundred+ mile ravine network.
We Are NOT going to be walking that.
Pleasant summer hikes and walks and groups to walk, abound… You can find gorgeous trails and people to hike those trails or city tours anywhere… And Margaret and her friends aren’t forming a cohesive high trust super fit unit off of it.
Instead we’re going to take subways, streetcars, and buses populated by the strangest smelliest Star Wars Cantina creatures away from that…
We’re going outside Old Toronto, outside Metro Toronto, outside the leafy lovely expanses of endless walkability… And into the nightmare of the unwalkable, concrete MegaCity hellscape sprawl beyond Etobicoke, Scarborough, and the 401, where they shove the airports, and the industry, and the housing projects for all the recent immigrants, where the street signs themselves have been known to stop using the Latin alphabet.
The dead lands beyond Willowdale that RUSH described in The Necromancer.
(“Willowdale” and “the River Don” remain the final borders of pleasant inner Toronto by and large)
In high summer. In Ontario humidity. On concrete heat islands that will cook an egg. And we’re going to walk 30km (20 miles). 6-9 hours in that scorching concrete hell where legend tells of second generation old Indian men who have never seen a white face.
Drive one hour outside Vancouver or Montreal, and you’re in the Mountains. Drive one hour outside Toronto… And you’re in Toronto.
We’re going into the heart of darkness, at the worst most miserable time of year to do so…Into lands often described as “Mumbai” or “New New Delphi” or “Bigger Hotter Syria”, Where all the worst trends of Sub-urbanism, mass migration, urbanism, boomerism, sprawl, and post-war mistakes all intersect into Barad-dûr like eyes of pure blighted suburban madness such as “Square One” or “Brampton Shoppers World” or “Woodbine Mall & Fantasy Fair” or “Vaughn Mills” or “First Markham Place” or “The University of Toronto- Scarborough” or “The Pickering Casino Resort”
There’s actually a non-zero chance one of us could die or be driven to madness of heat stroke, violence, mistrusting a corner-store, the parasitic macro-millipedes, or other complications.
20 miles, in the Mid-day sun. Rain or Shine. Back to Civilization and the leafy-green bubble of inner Toronto… The hard way.
But why?
What is a Misery March and Why?
The Rules of a misery march are simple. You and your comrades use google maps to scout out and hunt down the most miserable, blighted, sprawled out, industrial parked, almost unreachable segment of your metro area. The part no one you have ever met has ever been… Then using Public transit, skateboards, uber, taxi, your mom… Etc. To get there. Then you walk back 10-20 miles to the city core or whatever you consider civilization across 6-9 hours.
Depending on the Metro-area and local laws, you may want to be armed… But for Toronto purposes this is unnecessary (Toronto’s Lost Shades and Silent Hill-Esque monsters are nothing if not cowardly).
If anyone has to tap out part way for heatstroke, blisters, or for fear that the sadness will consume them… or their wife nags them to get home after a few hours, we don’t hold it against them. They did the important thing. They went to the most miserable place in the metro area we could find and hiked back on foot through the worst of it… And if they have to tap out or leave early now that you’re getting back to the nice parts, who cares… They did the hard bits.
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But why would you do this? Why would you go and do, pretty objectively, the most miserable ugliest thing you could do on your day off, when you and your friends could be doing… literally anything else.
You could go for a SCENIC hike, or meet up at a nice restaurant and chat, or go to some event, or literally anything else.
Why go to the smelliest, ugliest, most hostile and miserable part of the city to be surrounded by foreigners and death march through the liminal “back-rooms” of demographic, mercantile, and transport globalism?
Well… your recent “pub night”? Or sight-seeing tour? Or Board games night? Or bookclub? How much did that bind you and your friends together?
The people in your Yoga class or that you met at the spa? How tight are you with them? Do you really feel you can depend on them when the chips are down? If you had to move house or rescue your sickly dog from a crazy ex at 2am, or hide a body? Are you calling someone you met at the young conservatives Shrimp and Cocktail night?
Real friendship, teamwork, esteem, respect, community, espirit de corp? These are forged through hardship, endurance, inclement weather conditions, and screaming sexual insults… (or at least this is what childhood reruns of Little House on the Prairie various Cadet drill instructors taught me) So if you actually want to “Get Organize” or “build community”, the way you do it is by creating events and venues in which people can get together, be stuck with each other, and endure really horrifying inescapable misery for extended hours such that by the end they must deal with the irritated tension either by becoming tight friends and pulling each other through, or grow to despise each other and attempting murder (the closer to 50/50 it gets the tighter the team).
In either case its a very quick and efficient way to bind people together or sort people out.
And if that doesn’t work, 6-9 hours of walking in 100 degree heat? You’ll at least lose 2-3 pounds. So not a wasted day.
I will be doing this at some point this summer, If one shows up I’ll be glad to walk with them; If 30 shows up I’ll do my best to memorize everyone’s name over the next 9 hours; and if no one else expresses interest or can commit to a time, I will just be marching it myself and enjoying the vision-quest/heat stroke as I point and laugh at all the weird Star Wars creatures coming at me with their kirpans.
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Does this sound like something you’re interested in? Are you in the Toronto area? Do you want to organize one these in your metro-area, but don’t have a large enough supply of spergs and weirdos to join your death march through Baltimore?
DM Me.
Date to be determined depending on interest and availability.
And Join the Anarchonomicon Discord Server
I intend to do one of these every 3 to 4 months to get different weather and mix up different locations. Maybe down the road we’ll have an “away march” in Detroit!
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Remember this is a group activity with no time limit… The challenge is to try to get everyone to the finish line. If we have to stop for 2 hours at a diner for lunch or dinner to refresh everyone… We stop for 2 hours. It can just take longer.
You aren’t just coming prepared for you, you’re coming prepared for everyone else.
You want to make sure you can help yourself and not be a burden whilst also being ready to help others if they’ve forgotten anything.
Demonstrate that value and virtue. Build leadership!
But here is a recommend Kitlist:
-4 x liters of water
-1 x 300-500ml electrolite sport’s drink
(we will stop for more fluids/meals, even 4 and a half liters might not be enough for 9 hours, but this is good redundancy in case we get in a “food desert” or someone forgets theirs)
-2 hats, one baseball, one full brimmed gilly or other hat (incase you get the sun right on one part of the face or neck
-Sunscreen
-Tactical flip flops (backup footwear incase you get blisters)
-Shoes/primary foot wear (on feet) with backup pair of socks (again for blisters)
-Boo-boo kit (bandages etc. for blisters and other minor injuries)
-spare underwear/shorts and some kind of alcohol wet wipe
(On long walks if you sweat a lot the salt from sweat builds up and that can cause really brutal slicing chaffing and cuts (your underwear goes from soft cotton to like a solid rock of salt)… So you want to be able to change into something fresh and clear the salt from your thighs before your legs and other bits are cut to ribbons)
-Shemagh or microfiber towel
Technically you can tie these as a head shelter from the weather, but the real value is to wet them and wear them if you feel heat stroke coming on or like you’re drying out
-Rain Coat or poncho (we might get bad weather)
-small snacks
Phone Charger
do try to bring your phone charged, You might need it.
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Anything else you can think of.
What do you think? Are you interested? Have you and your friends done something similar? do comment!
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